Silent Sufferings...!

His silence hit me harder than his hands or his harsh words ever could... It pierced me deeper and deeper every day, with severe and more intense pain every minute, every second... It is almost a week or maybe just 6 days since his display of inaffection, coldness, indifference... This is not the first time I have experienced this... But this time it's different... It's completely different such that I'm torn between blaming him, blaming myself and blaming no-one... No I am not in vain because I'm much stronger than yesterday but I don't have any grievances towards him since I don't blame him entirely or even slightly or perhaps I felt somewhere that I have lost this right... I have seen much worse and cruel days in my life before, I have been broken,  heartbroken, distressed, embarrassed many times before but never have been insulted so badly before such as to question my whole existence without any qualms, the very fact that I am living in his home, eating from his hard-earned money, sleeping on his bed, etc. etc... I hate my existence, my life but the worst part that I hate is that I am doing all of this with a peculiar ease, smile and inner peace and comfort while my guilt and shame is eating into me, piercing me inside-out, each day, every minute, every second...

Maya Memsaab!!

Transformations....Make-up Mysteries!!

Musings of the Heart!

If only the heart had voice....It couldn't have been a mute sufferer at the hands of destiny...It could have been lighter, more vivacious, and not a hum-drum of myriad range of emotions..If self-expression is the most convenient respite, I beg to find excuse in random writing, my space, my way!!

Eternal Dreamer !!

Its difficult to educate n discipline your heart which is uncivilized, untamed and still a kid... untaught, adventurous, spoilt,  and wild...Always an eternal Dreamer...!!
Sometimes its easier to reconcile the mind with reality and live like a saint but impossible to reconcile your heart with  life!!..damn this eternal dreamer...!!
Un-ruled, untamed, it will still go on....will be knocked down, get bruised in d night and again stand up in the day, shining, bright like a new born kid with full of adventures, hopes, new horizons to conquer, new dreams, new life......but how long will you go on dear??? you Goddamn dreamer!!!

This one's for myself !

If i m composed of parts, a share belonging to family, a toast raised to peers, a portion soaked in love, some straight nerves devoted to duty , some human senses oozing compassion and charity , a subservient fear that tacitly agrees to irrational society, let me save n have a tiny little corner to myself, my space, my share, my part that i live for myself, where i' m just myself, and can be more of myself, without any fear, without any obligation, without any inhibitions, without any guilt, 

where i can seek my god, my soul, myself, my bliss, divinity, and heaven, only this one part i beg, and swear by it where i can be with my soul, live whichever the way i want, smell the air, breathe life, taste freedom, and touch the contours of liberty.....

if its nostalgia let it be, if its ecstasy let it be, for whatever it is, its precious to me, so let me raise a toast to this one  part of mine that lets me be what I'm and not what others want me to be!!

Pile of Dreams or a Heap of Ashes!

Those words still echoed in my head...."sapan desh se aya bulawa.....ek sapne ka pata bataya"!!.....what those amateur theater artists at the college fest actually meant to convey was not much of my inquisition.....but i was besotted by the sheer blatancy of those lines.....this integral part of existence,of being!...to be able to realize and know what it is to dream....some broken, bequeathed, some partially fulfilled, some haunting, some nurturing, and some estranged, abandoned dreams...the sheer ecstasy of living and re-living it...every day taking out, carrying it along..and then safely keeping it in heart..and saying goodbye....nurturing it, pampering it...so what if the funeral is complete...the ashes are immersed and pieces adore the earth....can we let go of that one desire, to be born again and die at the same time, to be loved and damned in one breath, to let go of that one dream even if the brutal mirror of reality digs in more painfully every time and the mirage fades away further, and further to reveal the naked ugly truth.....